Top Five Most Cliched Itineraries -- And Why They're Guilty Pleasures

A man, his sunglasses in a strap around his neck, stretches his arms outward and digs his foot in the ground. He almost looks like he's in an epic wrestling match with the wind and just barely holding on -- except that there isn't even a hint of a breeze outside. Just as you wonder if they've finally invented invisibility powers, it hits you: A tourist's cardinal sin has been committed.

Tomorrow, the man with the sheepish grin will post a picture of himself on Facebook awkwardly hoisting up the Leaning Tower of Pisa. And you will wonder once again why they haven't introduced a "Dislike" button.

Cliches like this litter the self-conscious traveler's existence. Am I doing authentic local activities? Do my shoes give me away? Or was it my giant American flag t-shirt? Should we wallow in guilt, or should we ultimately embrace the beaten paths? In many cases, it's a waste of time to get worked up about this, and in some, well... we all could benefit from a little self-reflection every once in a while. We'll give you a sampling of some of the most memorable scenes from well-traveled itineraries and decide whether or not it's worth risking your dignity. Shall we?

1. Paris, France
I've Been here / I Want To Go here

Day of cliches: After downing a baguette smothered in jam, you hop the Metro (and pity past rabbit riders) for a date with Mona Lisa, elbowing through a high school group to get a glimpse because you forgot how tiny the thing was. You barely get through the Impressionism masters when it dawns on you that it would take a month to see every last trinket in this cavernous madhouse, so you leave to squeeze in some shopping on Champs-Elysees. You nearly purchase a shirt with an alligator on it but decide against paying a 20 euro Sentimental Moment Fee. You skip to the Arc de Triomphe, nearly get hit by a Peugeot, and realize it's getting dark and you forgot to hit up Notre Dame and your Aunt Sue will never forgive you. Quickly whisk away your date to the top of that loveable lamp post, bring them back down, and smack lips under the lights -- mission accomplished.
Why we love it: Paris is a place where you stop and admire what divine handiwork humans are capable of. Its mystique is infectious, and to deny yourself of this would be a tragedy.
Cliche that's A-OK: Pere Lachaise Cemetery. Baby boomers / college rastafarians will mourn Jim Morrison and literature geeks will artfully eulogize Oscar Wilde, but I'm not sure there's a well-worn pathway that makes Lachaise anything less than great. Set aside some time to head to the hilltop for a gorgeous view of the premises, especially on sunny days. Morbid types may even find this romantic.




2. Las Vegas, Nevada
I've Been here / I Want To Go here

A day of cliches: You've already seen The Hangover. If you haven't, Mike Tyson has a tiger and a fist sandwich waiting for you. And a Phil Collins number to serenade you.
Why we love it anyway: If you go to Las Vegas and the most guilt you feel is about how "cliche" your trip was in a tourist-y sense, consider yourself pretty lucky. Because to many sad individuals, the idea of "Vegas cliches" means "losing the mortgage on my home at the craps table." Really, though, there exist only a handful of cities custom-built for one to check their self-awareness at the door, and that you cannot take away from Vegas. Becoming a cliche is something to aspire to. Just ask Wayne Newton (as a wax model, left, though no one knows the difference anymore).
Cliche that is A-OK: Unique stage shows like The Beatles' version of Cirque Du Soleil, Love, remain a huge part of what makes Vegas a destination rather than just a vacation.
Cliche that should go away: Celine Dion. Though I'm not sure where else she'd be welcome.


3. Amsterdam, the Netherlands

I've Been here / I Want To Go here   

Day of cliches:  Some grumbling in the bunk above you causes you to awaken from a haze; your trip to the Heineken brewery had been punctuated by a few more Amstels at the hostel later that night. You meet a friend, who whips out a plastic bag with a dried substance and says "Duuuude, we should totally go the Van Gogh museum." You can't find it and end up at the Anne Frank House instead. Friend asks existential questions about humans and violence and begins hyperventilating. You step out near the curb and nearly get trampled by a herd of angry cyclists.You unwind back at the Flying Pig Hostel, pondering if the technology for swine flight truly exists. You and friend embark toward Red Light District. Friend asks existential questions about humans and prostitution and begins hyperventilating. You leave Amsterdam. Friend posts Facebook status declaring Amsterdam "MOST AMAZING EXPERIENCE EVER."
Cliche that's A-OK: Many big cities vie for the "most bike-friendly" title, yet it's hardly a contest: Amsterdam was practically built for biking, its narrow paths and nooks and canals affording cyclists far more flexibility than public transit. The critical mass of speedy commuters can overwhelm -- particularly if you're just stop-and-go sightseeing -- but if you stay alert, this is certainly the best way to see the city. Additionally, French fries / pomme frites / chips -- whatever you call them -- should be enjoyed with mayonnaise.

Cliches that should go away: In case you weren't aware, Amsterdam apparently offers a wider variety of "lifestyle" choices. If these are your sole reason to visit the city, well -- choices. But at the very least, understand that this is a city with a lot to offer, and to improperly balance your wastedness against more lasting memories of this landmark European town would be downright, well, wasteful.

4. Cancun, Mexico
I've Been here / I Want To Go here 

A day of cliches: You wake up to find yourself on a sheet-white beach, your skin a little tender, sunglasses still over your eyes. You've effectively created your own personal raccoon mask for the rest of the evening, and the local Senor Frogs is like one giant pulsating raccoon social. Your friend approaches you, sipping out of a 3-foot tall glass, breathless from elbowing through other vicious raccoons, explaining that she just met a huge celebrity. You wince when you find out it's actually some dude for the Real World, who has stayed in Cancun since the season ended years before. He is wearing a strategically unbuttoned button-down shirt and has since gained 30 pounds, one of the more oddly-shaped raccoons at the bar. It gets a bit blurry, but pretty much everyone around seems to be excusing irrational behavior with the phrase "OMG SPRING BREAK 2010!"
Cliche that is A-OK: Glamour shots of the ruins in nearby Tulum or Chichen Itza. See last week's entry on the forgivable nerddom afforded to you by Cancun's neighboring beaches.
Why we love it anyway: Cancun is akin to Vegas in that it was a actively planned and built to become a resort playground, so there's no use quibbling over authenticity concerns.
Cliche that should go away: Senor Frogs t-shirts. I can point you to a number of area thrift stores if you're really desperate for one.

5. Austin, Texas
I've Been here / I Want To Go here

A day of cliches: This is it: South by Southwest festivities begin here this week, the only place in the world ever where there may actually exist more desperate musicians than just plain desperate people. You've planned out your every single move, from each beer break to buzz band to Motorhead. It's not unlike the time you mapped out your entire day through Disney World, and then you remember: You only went on four rides that entire day, and two of them were the Tea Cups. One of those Tea Cup rides was next to Snow White, so no complaints there, but the other was next to your Aunt Sue. Most of your day was spent waiting for Space Mountain, and though you've done some revisionist history, you remember being a bit disappointed by Space Mountain. "But you know what?" you ask yourself, knowing you're about to answer your own question. "The greatest excitement of it all was in the anticipation, the planning." You watch as your Aunt Sue bops along her head to local indie band The Tea Cups, and you sip your beer.
Why we love it anyway: Austin is a circus this time of year, sure, but outside of March and September, the circus continues, just on a much less grand scale. Don't you want to get to know the other fire-breathers and tight-rope walkers? And just like Disney World, South by Southwest is about the whole experience rather than the sum of the part -- the madness is worth the trip.
Cliche that is A-OK: BBQ. You might have trouble grabbing some from the top-tier favorites during the weekend, so consider stealing press passes.
Cliche that should go away: Worrying about what is cliche! You'll probably hear this word at South by Southwest more than anywhere else (even France). Go have fun at someone else's expense.

[photo above: morganwillis86, melody.gates, cliff1066, Randy Stewart]